graveace

Blah-ter-blah-ter-blah. More rambling. Christmas has come and gone, and it was pretty good. I got stuff, other people got stuff, and I finally got a chance to talk with a friend who rarely has the time to exchange words with me anymore. ^.^

Things have also happened that I'm not going to share with you. You are, after all, just the internet. All these things come down to are that I'm hideously oblivious, iggnorant, and a little on the stupid side. Confused? That's okay. I was too. Now I'm just...angry. With myself. >.>

Okay, this is getting rediculous. My week has been up and down since that last post, almost like Karma is punishing me or something. I saw my counsellor and felt infinitely better. The next day, my mp3 player went missing and I had grad photos. The day after, my mp3 player was returned and I found a lump somewhere really unpleasant. So...yea. >.>

I'm not sure I'm over the panic stage of that either. Cancer is riddled through my family on both sides, so I am scared for realistic reasons. On the other hand, my girlfriends and my crush have this incredibly optimistic view of "it'll be fine, its only a cyst". I don't know how they do it - seeing the good side of things so often. Some of them are more depressed than I am.

I finally got to watch the Little Mermaid again. I've been wanting to for a long time. My little panic-spree got me a situation where I could watch it without being snapped at for watching tv while the news was on or because someone wanted to play videogames.

I've pretty much given up on people in my family really caring about shit that happens to me. If anything like whats happened to me in the last week happened to either of my younger siblings, it'd be like the end of the bloody world or something, not just brushed off and carrying on. God forbid lets worry about the depressed child.

Geez, I feel childish just for thinking that way, but I do. I'm ignored a lot at home. That's just the way it is. I've finally started to do what my mom wanted me to do in school in the first place, gradding on time, not having any relationships, the whole nine yards, and nobody cares. Its almost like I'm not worth paying attention to if I'm not failing. Which is really stupid. Shouldn't people want to see me at my best?

Well, I'm done ranting now. I'm tired. I need to sleep.

So, I got into blogging, and then forgot about it. ^.^" Heh....

I'll work on that one. I never promised to be consistant, plus, my memory is terrible, so I'm likely to forget things once in a while (AKA way too much).

Lots has happened since that happy day in August. School started, and its going far better than I ever thought it would. Its working out a lot more smoothly than I thought it would, but I blame one man in particular for making me do way more homework than I've ever done in my life. No, its not my father. He's never really been on my case about school.

I'm not going to give you his name, but I am going to tell you that I've been doing homework because I REALLY don't like thinking about him as much as I do. Lately, I've been true to my snake and fallen back into a depressive reel. I do every year around Christmas, and it throws all thoughts, good or bad, into the ugly bin. My mind makes things out worse than they really are, and how things are with him weren't good to begin with. Its not helping with things, because, in spite of homework, I still think about him ALL the time, and ALL the time, those thoughts aren't good ones, and now they're not only making me lose sleep, they're invading my dreams. Love sucks REALLY bad, and even worse, I'm a sucker for any kind words thrown my way. I'm completely vulnerable just because I am me.

In a nutshell, I'm a complete idiot.

Anyway, I've been down south for the last week and a half, avoiding the rain Canada becomes subject to this time of year. Apparently, though, we didn't really miss it. It was sunny in the days before we came home, but the day we got back - downpour. Rain loves my family something terrible. Because of this trip, I've lost connection with most of my friends because of all the things I did, or rather didn't, miss. It happens every time I go away, because I do travel a lot, but this time it feels different. Normally it takes me all of two or three days to get back into the swing of things, but now? I actually don't feel any need to get back into my circle of friends. I feel like an outsider who shouldn't've been there in the first place. One of my friends, I know, is going to go off on me if she ever finds this and reads it. I've made comments of feeling like I don't belong before to her, and she took it as a personal offense of me not appreciating anybody that I've been friends with for the last two years.

Thing is, I do appreciate it. I just struggle to keep up with what I'm supposed to like and not like in accordance of what is accepted by this group of people. God knows lately I've started to like things that they think is weird or stupid or completely irrational, and I've been kind of ousted for not being the same. Which doesn't really make sense because what our group kind of stands for is not being the same. >.>

I don't get it, I really don't. I think I need to download the song "Love Sinks" and listen to it on repeat for several hours, just to try and make things humorus. I know it won't work, no matter how much music might effect my mood, but you know what? I'm totally willing to try things I really don't believe in to not feel like I am right now anymore. Its that "doomed" feeling, you know? Where you feel like no matter what you do, that bad outcome is gonna happen anyway. Mine is in the sense of being alone. I don't have many friends, I don't want many friends, but I'd kill for just one that is more than the next fun day out. I do have one that is like that, but I feel guilty for telling her all my fears and problems because she has them too, and they're probably worse than mine, and she doesn't want to tell me about them. So its a little one-sided to boot.

Then there is family. I haven't really done anything with my Dad in ages. I've hardly seen him, and I know that's partially my fault. And I know how to solve it. Its as simple as picking up a phone and calling. Just a little, "Hey, Dad, how's it going? Love you most." Anything. I really want to start hanging out with him again, like we did last year, but his jobs getting in the way. His shifts changed. I'm getting assaulted by graduation crap and getting it all done on time. Neither of us is happy. He works all weekdays after school, and I work all weekends. There isn't time, and I don't know how to change that. My sister...I'm not going to say she hates me, because I know she doesn't, but whatever it is she feels towards me isn't all that far a cry from it. She avoids me at school because I'm not what a teenage girl is supposed to be and she has nothing good to say about me. She used to make insulting everything I do and like a day-to-day thing. That's probably my fault, too. It wouldn't surprise me. Most problems I have start with something I've done or said. I'm my own kryptonite.

Plus, I don't know what to do with myself after highschool at all. I want to write. I want to see the world. I want to know everything there is to know about the ancient world, mythology, etc. I want to get into photography. I want to design costumes and dresses and clothes in general. I want to fall in love and have happily ever after.

Geez, if my counsellor saw this she'd have a lot more insight than she gets from me just rambling for an hour about whatever comes to mind. If my friends read this...well, all of two things could happen, and probably at the same time. Feelings of severe offense leading to ignoring my existance and an excess of worry about my wellbeing. God knows, the only times I really get a reaction out of them is when my life is falling apart, it seems. Heh, lucky me, it happens often enough to keep outsiders interested.

Geez, I need to apologise now. I do love my friends. I really do. I'm just emoing like a son-of-a-bitch, which leads me to being my most selfish and selfcentered. Basically, the worst kind of bitch-mode.

And I still haven't found the off switch.

-A

Wow...I haven't been this tired in...I think almost years. O.O Big day in the city, hanging out with friends, mall-hoping, and chilling at the park/beach/everything else under the sun....Interesting experience. Note-to-self: never put two play-boys in a group of girls. Its just not gonna be good stuff.

Plus, more than five hours in heels on hills ISN'T fun. I know this...now....>.>

I got to be goth today, though, so its all okay!! Shallow as that sounds...it really was fun. So was the random singing and dancing in the street yesterday. So's the fact that we got to see Pip at all this summer. Damn kid's too far away.

So, yay, laptop arrived yesterday. I just have to wait till like Tuesday to be able to get it. Post offices dislike weekends. Can't wait to FINALLY be able to keep working on my book...not sure which one I'll try denting first, but whatever. As long as I do.

Fun times, kidos.

-A

So! Growing up! What's with that shit?

I'm sorry, I tend to be a bit silly these days. Probably an extreme form of denial knowing my luck, or some other psycological trauma. So, my "last summer" is drawing to a close, with a kind of "big bang" planned for the end of it. ^.^ Thank god long-distance friends can make it here, cause there's no way I'm getting there, broke as I am.

But broke for good cause. First a trip to Egypt, now a laptop. Thank god for the awesomeness of beginning of school sales and Lenovo! I've only got to be patient for a week, now, and then I'll have absolutely no reason to be depressed anymore!!

Sort of.

This is one of my "feeling old" days. I've spent a tad too much time with my little cousins. They ALWAYS make me feel old, out of shape, and out of style. Granted, we're into exactly the same video games and stuff, but that's WHY I feel old. They're 6 and 8. I'm 17. >.> That, and I can't even beat Spyro the Dragon on my own. Geez, what kind of a nerd am I?

The kind that is confused, obviously. I'd like to be goth, but I adore pokemons. I always seem happy but am usually upset about something. I can never decide on what my favorite color is.....uh.....wow, I need to stop on the random. ^.^"

The end of August brings the last of my free school years. Scary, isn't it? Most people I know are DYING to get out and get going, but I can't really say I'm thrilled. They all have their plans and their dreams, and that's probably why. I lack ambition, go figure. An author with no ambition. I can see THAT going places. >.> I can't see myself outside of the high school environment, but its gonna happen. Soon. Whether or not I'm ready for it. I don't like that.

Plus, once we're all done, most of my friends are moving out to the big city. So what my mom's been telling me since this rollercoaster started is true - very few friends stick past high school. Lots I'll probably never see again. Yay. T.T Then you throw relationships in on top of it all and make the present three times as confusing as before. Stupid boys.

So, uh, I tried! If that's terrible, then oh well.

P.S. - Yes, I DO over-use emotes. <3 I love 'em!